Bill Clinton met with Pope Francis in Vatican City and confessed all his sins.
The old-timers exchanged gifts and talked joyfully about baseball and whores, but once the cameras stopped rolling, they sullenly retreated underneath the Apostolic Palace to perform the eldritch ritual of the Sanguineous Saints.
A black gargoyle sounded a gong that echoed morbidly throughout the dungeon.
Bill Clinton stripped naked and threw his clothes into the Eternal Cleansing Fire, singing the mystical song of the Fallen Patriarchs at the top of his lungs.
Masked men in togas suddenly appeared before him and started savagely whipping him as the Pope watched from his skull-shaped throne, eyes gleaming, muttering forbidden prayers in Latin.
When the whipping finally ceased, Bill Clinton lay in a pool of blood curled up in the fetal position.
It was time for the sacred avowal.
Teary-eyed and shivering uncontrollably, the former US President confessed to 68 rapes, 259 murders, and beating his wife every Thursday since 1975.
His Holiness smiled, said “Amen”, and told him that God has forgiven his sins, then came in his face.
The ritual of the Sanguineous Saints concluded with Bill Clinton swallowing the Pope’s old cum and making the sign of the cross with his blood-soaked thumb on his forehead.