Colin Kaepernick is a father. His partner Nessa Diab calved their first child in a barn a few weeks ago, but they kept the news secret until yesterday.
That’s because the baby looks like Steven Spielberg’s E.T. on coke and already shows signs of retardation. The thing has 1 leg, 3 arms, a penis and a vagina, and a foul, greenish liquid keeps oozing from underneath its scales. The scientists who tried to study the creature reportedly fainted because of the smell, and when they regained conscience, they all fled the country.
Back in the day, if you had a baby like this you’d simply set it on fire in a dumpster and make another one, but nowadays that’s considered rude. We should eliminate the threat nonetheless.
Colin Kaepernick’s black father abandoned him and his white mother gave him up for adoption – God help us all if he’ll do the same! His monstrous seed will ravish the whole world when it grows up, raping and killing millions of men, women, children, and animals in the process.
We can’t allow this to happen so we should destroy it now, while it’s still weak and lacks self-awareness. We can’t take any risks and we sure as shit can’t trust Colin Kaepernick with anything.
Hopefully, the CIA is already on it.