Yesterday was October 13th – a Friday – the global day of jihad.
The Day of Rage.
Former Hamas big shot Khaled Meshaal proclaimed:
Tribes of Jordan, sons of Jordan, brothers and sisters of Jordan… This is a moment of truth and the borders are close to you, you all know your responsibility.
To all scholars who teach jihad… to all who teach and learn, this is a moment for application.
It is a day for sacrifice, heroism, and dedication.
So millions of angry idiots flooded the streets of the world; security ramped up everywhere; one guy got stabbed to death in France; and Jeff Bezos sullenly retreated to his bunker beneath the Rocky Mountains.
Me – I played Oblivion again.
From the great round table in the Elder Council Chamber of the Imperial Place I solemnly declared jihad on all of Cyrodiil, then killed all High Chancellors in attendance with my very cool and powerful Truncheon of Submission.
I killed innumerable men and women, but no children.
There aren’t any in the game; if there were, I would have killed them too.
So far I killed everyone in the Imperial City, Bruma, Cheydinhal, Bravil and Leyawiin, and today I will kill everyone in the West; and after that, I will open portals – through magic – to other realms like Mankar Camoran’s Paradise and the Shivering Isles, to complete my murderous crusade in Cyrodill, which will be mine.
The Hero of Kvatch shall spare no one!
I wish I could burn buildings as well, though.
It would have been fucking awesome! Bethesda needs to put this feature in the next Elder Scrolls, which I will buy and solemnly declare jihad there too.
I can’t burn buildings, but I can burn NPCs – so I burn them.
I chuckle when I see them scrambling ablaze. They move like retards.
The Hero of Kvatch shall rid Cyrodiil of all infidels! then head to Skyrim, which I’ll be playing next week.
This is my jihad.