Obama’s Drowned Chef

Jamal is standing on the corner, glued to his phone. Deiondre approaches him with a limp.

— Whatchu doin’ nigga?

— Chillin’ nigga. Readin’ this shit about Obama’s chef.

— Obama’s chef?

— Yeah nigga. Obama’s personal chef who cooked for him and shit. This nigga drowned while paddleboardin’.

— Paddle-what?

— Paddleboardin’ nigga.

— The fuck is that nigga?

— Paddleboardin’ is when you stand on… like a flat board that floats on the water and shit… you stand on this board nigga; and you got a paddle and you paddle and shit on the water to move around. I just found about this shit myself.

— Shiiiiit nigga… that stupid.

— Real dumb.

— Niggas shouldn’t be paddleboardin’ nigga.

— True that. But check this shit out nigga: this nigga drowned near Obama’s house on Martha’s Vineyard.

— Where that?

— That on a private island nigga, where all these billionaires live there and shit.

— Obama a billionaire nigga? Shiiiiit.

— Obama’s full of dough nigga. He a billionaire.

— He probably the only billionaire nigga on that island nigga.

— He and Michelle, which is another thing nigga – when this nigga drowned, check this shit out, they say Barack wasn’t home, only Michelle was. This nigga was alone with Michelle that day.   

— Oh shiiiiit! Nigga you think Michelle is getting side-dick nigga?

— Coul’ be.

— What if Obama killed this nigga after findin’ out this nigga was fuckin’ his wife nigga… sent the secret service to make it look like an accident nigga. Niggas don’t be paddleboardin’ nigga, fuck that bullshit. 

— Coul’ be.

— Shiiiiit nigga.

— I myself think this nigga tried to escape or somethin’. This looks like an escape attempt gone wrong nigga. This nigga was in Obama’s house and somethin’ happened they don’t tell us, then this nigga ran outside and like found a paddleboard and that was his only option nigga.

— Shiiiiit nigga. That exactly what happened nigga!

— Yeah. Coul’ be. The question I have nigga: what happened inside Obama’s house when Obama wasn’t there and Michele was with this nigga who drowned? Somethin’ happened inside that house nigga, which made this nigga run for his life.

— Yeah nigga.

— It’s Michelle nigga. Michelle sure did somethin’ in that house I say.

— Shiiiiit nigga. You think Michelle did somethin’?

— Yeah. This nigga ran for his life from that house with Michelle in it and was desperate to be paddleboardin’.

— Maybe he saw Michelle’s dick nigga – that what scared this nigga nigga.

— Niiiiiga! That exactly what I was thinkin’, no lie nigga.  

— Some shit nigga… Michelle has a dick nigga. This bitch really looks like a nigga ain’t it? Shiiiiit nigga. This shit wild.

—  Wild shit nigga.

— Look nigga, I gotta bail, we talk some other time. Dashawn is lookin’ for my ass all mornin’. Gimme 2 rocks before I go nigga, and some of that sweet purple kush you be havin’ nigga, same as last time nigga.

— No freebies nigga, you got cash?

— Just got paid my nigga. Here nigga.

Deiondre pulls out a fistful of cash from his pocket and hands it to Jamal, who, after meticulously counting the bills twice, completes the transaction.

The two men bump fists and depart.


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