Identification
Many summers ago I was on one of David MacBrayne’s steamers on the way to a Scotch island. Among the few passengers was an interesting man with whom I fell into conversation.
(more…)A Brief Biography Of M. Quad
There was nothing remarkable about his babyhood except his red hair and the great quantity of soothing syrup necessary to keep him toned down.
(more…)Wanted To Keep On Growing Old
Frau Rothschild lived to be eighty-nine years old, and, to the last, she retained not only her faculties, but also her much-dreaded wit. In her last illness she whispered to her physician: “Dear Doctor, do try to do something for me.”
(more…)The Reminiscences Of Mr. Apricot
“Rather a cold day, isn’t it?” I said as I entered the club.
The man I addressed popped his head out from behind a newspaper and I saw it was old Mr. Apricot. So I was sorry that I had spoken.
(more…)Different Ways Of Wooing
The Diplomat: “Oh, let us form an everlasting alliance.”
The Soldier: “You gave my heart an incurable wound; or ‘you came; I saw; you conquered.’”
The Doctor: “Only you can cure my suffering heart.”
(more…)Another Year, Another Grift
Can’t believe I’m doing this right now. Bloody hell. I’m in a fucking mosque! Me! Milo Yiannopoulos! Oh, if they only knew about my black cock addiction…
What if…
(more…)The Shattered Health Of Mr. Podge
“How are you, Podge?” I said, as I sat down in a leather armchair beside him.
(more…)On Being Idle
Now, this is a subject on which I flatter myself I really am au fait. The gentleman who, when I was young, bathed me at wisdom’s font for nine guineas a term—no extras—used to say he never knew a boy who could do less work in more time; and I remember my poor grandmother once incidentally observing, in the course of an instruction upon the use of the Prayer-book, that it was highly improbable that I should ever do much that I ought not to do, but that she felt convinced beyond a doubt that I should leave undone pretty well everything that I ought to do.
(more…)Advertising
The editor of the local paper was unable to secure advertising from one of the businessmen of the town, who asserted stoutly that he himself never read ads, and didn’t believe anyone else did.
“Will you advertise if I can convince you that folks read the ads?” the editor asked.
(more…)A Rope Without End
Two sailors were winding up a rope, and did not finish as quickly as they expected.
“Where in the world,” cried one of them impatiently, “is that end?”
(more…)Stove Pipe Pete
The prisoner in this case, whose name was Dickey Swivel, alias “Stove Pipe Pete,” was placed at the bar, and questioned by the Judge to the following effect:
Judge: Bring the prisoner into court.
Pete: Here I am, bound to blaze, as the spirits of turpentine said, when he was all a fire.
(more…)The Fragrant Mormon
On Tuesday morning I went down to the depot to see a large train of ten cars loaded with imported Mormons.
(more…)Baron Rothschild
During the panic in the money market of 1866, the agent of a money-lending concern came to Baron Rothschild and begged him to advance them some money; but was promptly refused.
(more…)The Joys Of Philanthropy
“Good-morning,” said the valet de chambre, as I stepped from my room.
“Good-morning,” I answered. “Pray accept twenty-five centimes.”
(more…)A Constellation
The following conversation occurred between a theatrical manager and an aspirant for Thespian honors:
“What is your pleasure?” asked the manager.
(more…)The Way To Name Children
The names of Indians are sometimes so peculiar that people are made to wonder how the red men became possessed of them. That of “Sitting Bull,” “Crazy Horse,” “Man Afraid of his Horses,” “Red Cloud,” etc., cause a good deal of thought to those who do not know how the names are given.
(more…)A Question Of Belief
At the examination the children were to say the creed before the superintendent. It was practiced so that three children were each to say one article.
(more…)The Advantages Of A Polite Education
“Take it from me,” said my friend from Kansas, leaning back in his seat at the Taverne Royale and holding his cigar in his two fingers—”don’t talk no French here in Paris. They don’t expect it, and they don’t seem to understand it.”
(more…)The Great Wizard Anotem
— Halt! I am the great wizard Anotem. Give me all your money or I will fuck you in the ass.
(more…)A Bald-Headed Man Most Crazy
Last Wednesday the bell to our telephone rung violently at 8 o’clock in the morning, and when we put our ear to the earaphone, and our mouth to the mouthaphone, and asked what was the matter, a still small voice, evidently that of a lady, said, “Julia has got worms, doctor.”
(more…)He Drank Beer
Professor (examining a student): “And how do you protect yourself against impure water?”
(more…)He Did Not Understand
Frederick the Great made the personal acquaintance of every soldier of his regiment of guards. Whenever he saw a fresh one, he put the three following questions to him: “First, how old are you? Second, how long have you been in my service? Third, are you satisfied with your pay and treatment?”
(more…)A Crown Of Sorrows
There is something on my mind, of which I must relieve myself. If I am ever to face the world again with a smile I must share my trouble with others. I cannot bear my burden alone.
(more…)The Way Women Boss A Pillow
Among the recent inventions is a pillow holder. It is explained that the pillow holder is for the purpose of holding a pillow while the case is being put on. We trust this new invention will not come into general use, as there is no sight more beautiful to the eyes of man than to see a woman hold a pillow in her teeth while she gently manipulates the pillow case over it.
(more…)The Dark Brotherhood
The Dark Brotherhood? They are not who you think they are, stranger. You think they are cunning assassins – nay, they are goat-fuckers!
(more…)A Gunning Yarn
A gentleman just returned from Africa, boasted of the many gorillas he had killed there. “That must have been very difficult,” remarked one of the listeners.
(more…)Diary Of A Saucy Young Thing
It may be wrong to publish the contents of a diary, but the following notes in a new diary found yesterday, are too good to lose:
Jan. 1, 1877. To-day is New Year’s day. Last night was Sunday night. I remember it distinctly. George and I watched the old year out and the new year in. George is awful kind-hearted. He has quit using tobacco on my account. He hasn’t taken a chew this year.
(more…)The Jew’s Reasoning
An officer fell from his horse in a public square. A Jew standing near said: “This would never have happened to me!”
(more…)Nigga Heil Hitler
I can’t get Heil Hitler out of my head – and I don’t want to. Because Kanye West is a great artist and Heil Hitler is a great song damn it!
There, I said it.
(more…)On The Weather
Things do go so contrary-like with me. I wanted to hit upon an especially novel, out-of-the-way subject for one of these articles. “I will write one paper about something altogether new,” I said to myself; “something that nobody else has ever written or talked about before; and then I can have it all my own way.” And I went about for days, trying to think of something of this kind; and I couldn’t.
(more…)Why Socialism Always Fails
I was visiting my conservative friend in Croatia.
After a few beers, the subject of socialism came up, and we agreed that socialism, indeed, always fails.
(more…)A Joke About Jimmy Kimmel’s Wife
Jimmy Kimmel’s wife was getting fucked by a bunch of black guys.
(more…)Donald Trump Is The New King
— Look, Charles. Here’s the thing: I’m the new king now.
— The new king? The new king of what?
— Of the United Kingdom, Charles. You’ve done a terrible job as a king, so bad, really awful. I can do it better. And I will do it better. I will do it way better than you, Charles. Better than anyone actually. I’ll probably be the best king ever.
(more…)The War Prophecies
Startling Prophecy in Paris. All Paris is wildly excited over the extraordinary prophecy of Madame Cleo de Clichy that the war will be over in four weeks.
(more…)The Virginia Duel
The proposed duel between Senator Mahone and Jubal Early did not come off, for reasons that have not been made public.
(more…)A Witness Against His Will
Judge:—“Constable, bring in the next witness!” (Constable beckons to a man by the door to step up.)
Judge:—“What is your name?”
Peter:—“Peter Lerch.”
(more…)Dr. Deadwood, I Presume
My name is Shandy, and this is the record of my Sentimental Journey. Mr. Ames Jordan Gannett, proprietor’s son of the “York ——,” with which paper I am connected by marriage, sent me a post-card in a sealed envelope, asking me to call at a well-known restaurant in Regent Street. I was then at a well-known restaurant in Houndsditch. I put on my worst and only hat, and went. I found Mr. Gannett, at dinner, eating pease with his knife, in the manner of his countrymen.
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The Art Of Conversation
“In conversation,” said somebody (I think it was my grandfather), “there should always be a give and take. The ball must be kept rolling.” If he had ever had a niece two years old, I don’t think he would have bothered.
(more…)Roll Your Own
Now that the Great War is practically over, until the next one begins there isn’t very much that you can do with that large plot of ground which used to be your war-garden. It is too small for a running-track and too large for nasturtiums. Obviously, the only thing left is a tennis-court.
(more…)
The Retroactive Existence Of Mr. Juggins
I first met Juggins,—really to notice him,—years and years ago as a boy out camping. Somebody was trying to nail up a board on a tree for a shelf and Juggins interfered to help him.
(more…)Preventing Rape By Soldiers
On April 21, 2011, one of the weirdest videos of all time was posted on the United Nations’ official YouTube channel.
Zero rapes were prevented.
Explaining Miracles
The minister, in the scripture lesson at school, had been explaining the miracles, and finally asked a boy: “Jacob, your father is a roofer. What would you call it, if you came home, and heard that your father had fallen from the roof of the church tower, without breaking his neck?”
(more…)The Bite Of A Mad Dog
A “Family Physician,” published in 1883, says, for the bite of a mad dog: “Take ash-colored ground liverwort, cleaned, dried, and powdered, half an ounce; of black pepper, powdered, a quarter of an ounce. Mix these well together, and divide the powder into four doses, one of which must be taken every morning, fasting, for four mornings successively in half an English pint of cow’s milk, warm. After these four doses are taken, the patient must go into the cold bath, or a cold spring or river, every morning, fasting, for a month. He must be dipped all over, but not stay in (with his head above water) longer than half a minute if the water is very cold. After this he must go in three times a week for a fortnight longer. He must be bled before he begins to take the medicine.”
(more…)A Pointed Answer
Dr. M. whose bruskness was well known throughout Silesia, was going by coach one day from Breslau to Liegnitz. In the waiting-room were several gentlemen waiting for the same coach. One of them came up to the doctor.
“Are you Dr. M.?” he asked.
(more…)