The Ghost Of Dr. Ascher
Heinrich Heine
The night I spent at Goslar something very remarkable occurred. Terror seizes me even now as I think back. I am not timid by nature, but I have a mortal terror of ghosts.
(more…)The Reminiscences Of Mr. Apricot
Stephen Leacock
“Rather a cold day, isn’t it?” I said as I entered the club.
The man I addressed popped his head out from behind a newspaper and I saw it was old Mr. Apricot. So I was sorry that I had spoken.
(more…)The Shattered Health Of Mr. Podge
Stephen Leacock
“How are you, Podge?” I said, as I sat down in a leather armchair beside him.
(more…)The Joys Of Philanthropy
Stephen Leacock
“Good-morning,” said the valet de chambre, as I stepped from my room.
“Good-morning,” I answered. “Pray accept twenty-five centimes.”
(more…)The Advantages Of A Polite Education
Stephen Leacock
“Take it from me,” said my friend from Kansas, leaning back in his seat at the Taverne Royale and holding his cigar in his two fingers—”don’t talk no French here in Paris. They don’t expect it, and they don’t seem to understand it.”
(more…)The Great Wizard Anotem
Costin Nițu
— Halt! I am the great wizard Anotem. Give me all your money or I will fuck you in the ass.
(more…)A Bald-Headed Man Most Crazy
George W. Peck
Last Wednesday the bell to our telephone rung violently at 8 o’clock in the morning, and when we put our ear to the earaphone, and our mouth to the mouthaphone, and asked what was the matter, a still small voice, evidently that of a lady, said, “Julia has got worms, doctor.”
(more…)Who Goes There?
Rowland W. Cater
The world is but a huge playground, after all; and just as the sympathy of those who witness a fight between two boys—one of whom is a big fellow and a reputed bully, while the other is a plucky youngster but one-half his opponent’s size—invariably goes with the smaller and weaker combatant, so it is even amongst nations.
(more…)He Did Not Understand
Anonymous
Frederick the Great made the personal acquaintance of every soldier of his regiment of guards. Whenever he saw a fresh one, he put the three following questions to him: “First, how old are you? Second, how long have you been in my service? Third, are you satisfied with your pay and treatment?”
(more…)A Crown Of Sorrows
A. A. Milne
There is something on my mind, of which I must relieve myself. If I am ever to face the world again with a smile I must share my trouble with others. I cannot bear my burden alone.
(more…)A Witness Against His Will
Anonymous
Judge:—“Constable, bring in the next witness!” (Constable beckons to a man by the door to step up.)
Judge:—“What is your name?”
Peter:—“Peter Lerch.”
(more…)Dr. Deadwood, I Presume
Ambrose Bierce
My name is Shandy, and this is the record of my Sentimental Journey. Mr. Ames Jordan Gannett, proprietor’s son of the “York ——,” with which paper I am connected by marriage, sent me a post-card in a sealed envelope, asking me to call at a well-known restaurant in Regent Street. I was then at a well-known restaurant in Houndsditch. I put on my worst and only hat, and went. I found Mr. Gannett, at dinner, eating pease with his knife, in the manner of his countrymen.
(more…)The Art Of Conversation
A. A. Milne
“In conversation,” said somebody (I think it was my grandfather), “there should always be a give and take. The ball must be kept rolling.” If he had ever had a niece two years old, I don’t think he would have bothered.
(more…)The Retroactive Existence Of Mr. Juggins
Stephen Leacock
I first met Juggins,—really to notice him,—years and years ago as a boy out camping. Somebody was trying to nail up a board on a tree for a shelf and Juggins interfered to help him.
(more…)The Fool’s Lesson
Anonymous
When Eulenspiegel came to Magdeburg—the fame of his notorious pranks having preceded him—several of the best citizens asked him to give them a sample of his buffoonery.
(more…)The Man Who Will Make A Speech
Anonymous
A man wearing passably good clothes and a look of mental anxiety entered a fashionable drug-store, and said to the clerk:
“Are you pretty well posted on big words?”
(more…)A Story About Cheese
Jerome K. Jerome
I remember a friend of mine, buying a couple of cheeses at Liverpool. Splendid cheeses they were, ripe and mellow, and with a two hundred horse-power scent about them that might have been warranted to carry three miles, and knock a man over at two hundred yards.
(more…)A Twilight Idyl
Robert Jones Burdette
One summer evening, Mr. Ellis Henderson, a popular young man, went out walking with two of the sweetest girls in town. Mr. Henderson wore a little straw hat with a navy blue band, a cutaway coat, a pair of white trousers, a white vest, a buttonhole bouquet, and fifteen cents. The evening was very hot, and as they walked, they talked about the baseball match, the weather, and sunstrokes. By and by one of the young ladies gave a delicate little shriek.
(more…)My Double, And How He Undid Me
Edward Everett Hale
I am, or rather, was a minister, and was settled in an active, wide-awake town with a bright parish and a charming young wife. At first it was all delightful, but as my duties increased I found myself leading a double life—one for my parish, whom I loved, and the other for a vague public, for whom I did not care two straws.
(more…)
The Kidnapped Plumber: A Tale Of The New Time
Stephen Leacock
“Personally,” said Thornton, speaking for the first time, “I never care to take a case that involves cellar work.”
(more…)
How Nuth Would Have Practised His Art Upon The Gnoles
Lord Dunsany
Despite the advertisements of rival firms, it is probable that every tradesman knows that nobody in business at the present time has a position equal to that of Mr. Nuth. To those outside the magic circle of business, his name is scarcely known; he does not need to advertise, he is consummate. He is superior even to modern competition, and, whatever claims they boast, his rivals know it.
(more…)Why He Was A Democrat
Anonymous
“The old teacher in one of the smaller schools near my native town of Peekskill,” said Senator Depew, “had drilled a number of his brightest scholars in the history of contemporary politics, and to test their faith and their knowledge he called upon three of them one day and demanded a declaration of personal political principles.
(more…)The Mariposa Bank Mystery
Stephen Leacock
Suicide is a thing that ought not to be committed without very careful thought. It often involves serious consequences, and in some cases brings pain to others than oneself.
(more…)A Polyglot Barber
Samuel S. Cox
My first tonsorial experience is in a barber shop of the old town of Prinkipo. Most of the barbers are polyglotically inclined. My particular barber is either a Greek, a Maltese, a Sclav, a Bulgarian, or a Montenegrin.
(more…)The Way Of A Woman
Byron W. King
It was the last night before leap-year; it was the last hour before leap-year; in fact, the minute-hand had moved round the dial face of the clock until it registered fifteen minutes of twelve,—fifteen minutes of leap-year. John and Mary were seated in Mary’s father’s parlor. There was plenty of furniture there but they were using only a limited portion of it. John watched the minute-hand move round the dial face of the clock until, like the finger of destiny, it registered fifteen minutes of twelve,—fifteen minutes of leap-year, when he gasped hard, clutched his coat collar, and said,—
(more…)The Weather Fiend
Anonymous
One hot day last summer, a young man dressed in thin clothes, entered a Broadway car, and seating himself opposite a stout old gentleman, said, pleasantly:
“Pretty warm, isn’t it?”
“What’s pretty warm?”
(more…)My Unknown Friend
Stephen Leacock
He stepped into the smoking compartment of the Pullman, where I was sitting alone.
He had on a long fur-lined coat, and he carried a fifty-dollar suit case that he put down on the seat.
Then he saw me.
(more…)Hunting Up A Testimonial
T. S. Arthur
“DOCTOR,” said a man with a thin, sallow countenance, pale lips, and leaden eyes, coming up to the counter of a drug-store in Baltimore, some ten years ago—”Doctor, I’ve been reading your advertisement about the ‘UNIVERSAL RESTORER, AND BALSAM OF LIFE,’ and if that Mr. John Johnson’s testimony is to be relied on, it ought to suit my case, for, in describing his own sufferings, he has exactly described mine.
(more…)The Dentist And The Gas
Stephen Leacock
“I think,” said the dentist, stepping outside again, “I’d better give you gas.”
Then he moved aside and hummed an air from a light opera while he mixed up cement.
(more…)A Narrow Escape
Lord Dunsany
It was underground.
In that dank cavern down below Belgrave Square the walls were dripping. But what was that to the magician? It was secrecy that he needed, not dryness. There he pondered upon the trend of events, shaped destinies and concocted magical brews.
(more…)Verona
Bill Nye
We arrived in Verona day before yesterday. Most every one has heard of the Two Gentlemen of Verona. This is the place they came from. They have never returned. Verona is not noted for its gentlemen now. Perhaps that is the reason I was regarded as such a curiosity when I came here.
(more…)Number Fifty-Six
Stephen Leacock
What I narrate was told me one winter’s evening by my friend Ah-Yen in the little room behind his laundry.
(more…)How A Muzhik Fed Two Officials
Nikolai Shchedrin
Once upon a time there were two Officials. They were both empty-headed, and so they found themselves one day suddenly transported to an uninhabited isle, as if on a magic carpet.
(more…)The Orthodox Barber
G. K. Chesterton
Those thinkers who cannot believe in any gods often assert that the love of humanity would be in itself sufficient for them; and so, perhaps, it would, if they had it. There is a very real thing which may be called the love of humanity; in our time it exists almost entirely among what are called uneducated people; and it does not exist at all among the people who talk about it.
(more…)
No Pets Allowed
Monette Cummings
I can’t tell anyone about it. In the first place, they’d never believe me. And, if they did, I’d probably be punished for having her. Because we aren’t allowed to have pets of any kind.
(more…)A Journey In Search Of Nothing
Wilkie Collins
“Yes,” said the doctor, pressing the tips of his fingers with a tremulous firmness on my pulse, and looking straight forward into the pupils of my eyes, “yes, I see: the symptoms all point unmistakeably towards one conclusion—Brain. My dear sir, you have been working too hard; you have been following the dangerous example of the rest of the world in this age of business and bustle. Your brain is over-taxed—that is your complaint. You must let it rest—there is your remedy.”
(more…)And All The Girls Were Nude
Richard Magruder
Appearances oftentimes can be deceiving, and things most certainly aren’t always as they seem. Take the case of Nathanial Evergood, for instance.
(more…)Coffee, Megg And Ilk, Please
Robert Benchley
Give me any topic in current sociology, such as “The Working Classes vs. the Working Classes,” or “Various Aspects of the Minimum Wage,” and I can talk on it with considerable confidence. I have no hesitation in putting the Workingman, as such, in his place among the hewers of wood and drawers of water—a necessary adjunct to our modern life, if you will, but of little real consequence in the big events of the world.
(more…)A Rival Entertainment
Kate Field
I once heard a bright child declare that if circuses were prohibited in heaven, she did not wish to go there.
(more…)Lord Oxhead’s Secret
Stephen Leacock
It was finished. Ruin had come. Lord Oxhead sat gazing fixedly at the library fire. Without, the wind soughed (or sogged) around the turrets of Oxhead Towers, the seat of the Oxhead family. But the old earl heeded not the sogging of the wind around his seat. He was too absorbed.
(more…)My Financial Career
Stephen Leacock
When I go into a bank I get rattled. The clerks rattle me; the wickets rattle me; the sight of the money rattles me; everything rattles me.
(more…)The Weirdest World
R. A. Lafferty
As I am now utterly without hope, lost to my mission and lost in the sight of my crew, I will record what petty thoughts I may have for what benefit they may give some other starfarer. Nine long days of bickering! But the decision is sure. The crew will maroon me. I have lost all control over them.
(more…)The Outrage – A True Story
Aleksandr Kuprin
It was five o’clock on a July afternoon. The heat was terrible. The whole of the huge stone-built town breathed out heat like a glowing furnace.
(more…)The Day Of Judgment
Elizabeth Stuart Phelps
I am thirteen years old and Jill is eleven and a quarter. Jill is my brother. That isn’t his name, you know; his name is Timothy and mine is George Zacharias; but they call us Jack and Jill.
Well, Jill and I had an invitation to Aunt John’s this summer, and that was how we happened to be there.
(more…)An English Funeral
William Austin
The most humorous sight which I have seen was an English funeral, performed in the most fashionable manner; for you must know they perform funerals here.
(more…)
On Cyclones
Bill Nye
I desire to state that my position as United States cyclonist for this judicial district is now vacant. I resigned on the 9th day of September, A.D. 1884.
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