Colin Kaepernick’s Fucked Up Baby

Colin Kaepernick is a father. His partner Nessa Diab calved their first child in a barn a few weeks ago, but they kept the news secret until yesterday.

That’s because the baby looks like Steven Spielberg’s E.T. on coke and already shows signs of retardation. The thing has 1 leg, 3 arms, a penis and a vagina, and a foul, greenish liquid keeps oozing from underneath its scales. The scientists who tried to study the creature reportedly fainted because of the smell, and when they regained conscience, they all fled the country.