The Portal

The moment the Joe Rogan Experience #2171 featuring Eric Weinstein and Terrence Howard concluded, a portal materialized in my room and I was sucked into the Plane Of Inconsequence, where I was imprisoned for eons, mere seconds on planet Earth.


Lex Fridman Has Gone Missing In the Amazon Jungle

The last broadcast of Lex Fridman.

The popular podcaster has disappeared in the Amazon jungle and is now presumed dead.


The King Has Ass Cancer

Buckingham Palace has announced that the King has been diagnosed with ass cancer:

During The King’s recent hospital procedure for benign prostate enlargement, a separate issue of concern was noted. Subsequent diagnostic tests have identified a form of ass cancer.

Poor King.


Elon Musk In Israel

Elon Musk flew to Israel, put on a bib, and toured a ravaged kibbutz with Benjamin Netanyahu, who later showed him a 6-hour compilation of Hamas decapitating Jewish babies.


The Old Man And The Road

The old man drove fast and bold, through towns and landscapes and dreams, in sickness and in health, never caring, never stopping, the intrepid explorer of the world, until one fateful day in Panama, when he could progress no more.


A New God Is Born

The spirit could not be vanquished in the furnace, for it is the spirit of brave men of the South.


New Incentives In The War Against Jews

The supreme leaders of Hamas, Hezbollah, and the Palestinian Islamic Jihad, may Allah bless them with happiness and good health, have gathered in Teheran to discuss their strategy in the war against Jews.


Halloween Blackface

If I were living in America I would dress up as a minstrel from the 19th century for Halloween, blackface and all.


Donald Trump Canceled His Trial

Donald Trump fixed his tie and confronted Judge Arthur Engoron with a hostile stare.

— This trial is a fucking disgrace and a sham! he suddenly howled, rising from the stand like the phoenix from the ashes of doom.


Elon Musk’s Meeting With Recep Erdoğan Didn’t Go Well

The Supreme Leader of the Magnificent Republic of Türkiye, the Honorable Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, may Allah bless him with good health and a long life, summoned Elon Musk yesterday at the Turkish House, his personal skyscraper in Manhattan, to discuss a collaboration opportunity.


iPhone 15 Sucks

A dopey friend of mine texts me this morning:

— Hey, did you see the new iPhone?

— No.


Obama Marveled At The Parthenon

Barack Obama visited the awe-inspiring Parthenon in Athens recently, one of the greatest monuments of the ancient world still standing today, and he was awe-inspired all right.


Obama’s Drowned Chef

Jamal is standing on the corner, glued to his phone. Deiondre approaches him with a limp.

— Whatchu doin’ nigga?

— Chillin’ nigga. Readin’ this shit about Obama’s chef.


When Volodymyr Met Greta

Volodymyr Zelenskyy was getting bored. He snorted a line of coke and sunk deep into his leather chair, massaging his weary face meticulously.


Bill Clinton Confessed His Sins To The Pope

Bill Clinton met with Pope Francis in Vatican City and confessed all his sins.

The old-timers exchanged gifts and talked joyfully about baseball and whores, but once the cameras stopped rolling, they sullenly retreated beneath the Apostolic Palace to perform the eldritch ritual of the Sanguineous Saints.


Elliot Page Is The Gay Tupac

Elliot Page is a hero and an inspiration.

I’ve just finished reading her new memoir Pageboy and I am outraged – outraged I tell you! – about what happened to this poor woman last winter in Chicago.


Madonna Was Left For Dead

The night came.

Madonna guzzled a bottle of Jack, snorted 6 lines of coke, and ran naked through the streets of New York, bawling obscenities and clawing anyone who stood in her way.