Tucker Carlson Thought That He Was Going To Die

At this precise moment Tucker Carlson’s heart stopped beating.

Putin had suddenly signaled to someone off camera and the sound of footsteps paralyzed Tucker with fear.

The interview had barely begun – did he piss off Putin so soon? Did he say something wrong? A foolish remark? A gesture maybe? What was it?

He didn’t know.

He was going to do some hard-hitting journalism; ask Putin the tough questions; and maybe – just maybe – end the war in Ukraine right then and there… how, he did not know exactly, but he had a dream.

Oh, those bloodcurdling footsteps!

Closer and closer…

A scene of him being beaten with bats while chained to a pole in Siberia flashed through his mind.

It was over. He thought that he was going to die.

Instinctively, Tucker turned to see who was coming toward him and shat his pants.

But there was no danger. A man leisurely approached and gave Putin the Sacred Buryatia Scrolls.

Sweet Jesus!

He didn’t fuck up! He would live! He would go back home! He would never set foot in Russia again!

From there on, unfortunately, Tucker could not conduct a proper interview. The oily discharge was torturous.


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