A Rope Without End
Anonymous
Two sailors were winding up a rope, and did not finish as quickly as they expected.
“Where in the world,” cried one of them impatiently, “is that end?”
(more…)Stove Pipe Pete
Anonymous
The prisoner in this case, whose name was Dickey Swivel, alias “Stove Pipe Pete,” was placed at the bar, and questioned by the Judge to the following effect:
Judge: Bring the prisoner into court.
Pete: Here I am, bound to blaze, as the spirits of turpentine said, when he was all a fire.
(more…)Baron Rothschild
Anonymous
During the panic in the money market of 1866, the agent of a money-lending concern came to Baron Rothschild and begged him to advance them some money; but was promptly refused.
(more…)A Constellation
Anonymous
The following conversation occurred between a theatrical manager and an aspirant for Thespian honors:
“What is your pleasure?” asked the manager.
(more…)A Question Of Belief
Anonymous
At the examination the children were to say the creed before the superintendent. It was practiced so that three children were each to say one article.
(more…)He Drank Beer
Anonymous
Professor (examining a student): “And how do you protect yourself against impure water?”
(more…)He Did Not Understand
Anonymous
Frederick the Great made the personal acquaintance of every soldier of his regiment of guards. Whenever he saw a fresh one, he put the three following questions to him: “First, how old are you? Second, how long have you been in my service? Third, are you satisfied with your pay and treatment?”
(more…)The Beginning Of Trench Warfare
Anonymous
On the next morning, at daybreak, we quitted the trench again in order to rest for two days. We went across the fields and took up quarters at Cerney-en-Dormois. We lodged in one of the abandoned houses in the center of the village. Our field kitchen had not yet arrived, so we were obliged to find our own food.
(more…)A Gunning Yarn
Anonymous
A gentleman just returned from Africa, boasted of the many gorillas he had killed there. “That must have been very difficult,” remarked one of the listeners.
(more…)The Jew’s Reasoning
Anonymous
An officer fell from his horse in a public square. A Jew standing near said: “This would never have happened to me!”
(more…)A Witness Against His Will
Anonymous
Judge:—“Constable, bring in the next witness!” (Constable beckons to a man by the door to step up.)
Judge:—“What is your name?”
Peter:—“Peter Lerch.”
(more…)Explaining Miracles
Anonymous
The minister, in the scripture lesson at school, had been explaining the miracles, and finally asked a boy: “Jacob, your father is a roofer. What would you call it, if you came home, and heard that your father had fallen from the roof of the church tower, without breaking his neck?”
(more…)A Pointed Answer
Anonymous
Dr. M. whose bruskness was well known throughout Silesia, was going by coach one day from Breslau to Liegnitz. In the waiting-room were several gentlemen waiting for the same coach. One of them came up to the doctor.
“Are you Dr. M.?” he asked.
(more…)The Fool’s Lesson
Anonymous
When Eulenspiegel came to Magdeburg—the fame of his notorious pranks having preceded him—several of the best citizens asked him to give them a sample of his buffoonery.
(more…)The Man Who Will Make A Speech
Anonymous
A man wearing passably good clothes and a look of mental anxiety entered a fashionable drug-store, and said to the clerk:
“Are you pretty well posted on big words?”
(more…)Leaving Out The Joke
Anonymous
Some people are bright enough to enjoy a good joke, but do not have retentive memories, so as to be able to repeat it to others. Failures of this kind are sometimes very ludicrous. We give some good specimens.
(more…)Soldiers Shooting Their Own Officers
Anonymous
It was dark already, and we halted once more. The ground around us was strewn with dead. In the middle of the road were some French batteries and munition wagons, with the horses still attached; but horses and men were dead.
(more…)The Bridegroom’s Toast
Anonymous
(Speaks while seated.) “I know a story,—what? (Laughs.) I know another story,—eh? Oh, don’t ask me. I never made a speech in my life.
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An Opportunity
Anonymous
I dropt into the post-office this morning for my mail, and just inside the door I found a little boy crying very bitterly. Naturally I asked him the cause of his trouble, and lifting his tear-stained face to mine he said:
“I had two quarters, and a feller come along just now and took one away from me.”
(more…)Nearly Buried Alive On The Battlefield
Anonymous
The commander of the artillery smilingly came up to the major of the infantry and thanked and congratulated him.
(more…)Slang Phrases
Anonymous
It is not strange that children misunderstand our slang phrases. Not long ago a gentleman about to go abroad, made the round of the steamship. When he came back he walked up to the captain and said: “Captain, what has become of the old steward? I do not see anything of him this trip.”
(more…)
He Laughed Last
Anonymous
A young man was sitting in the Grand Central Depot the other day, holding a baby in his arms, when the child began to cry so lustily as to attract the attention of everyone around him. By and by a waiting passenger walked over to him with a smile of pity on his face and said:
“A woman gave you that baby to hold while she went to see about her baggage, didn’t she?”
(more…)Why He Was A Democrat
Anonymous
“The old teacher in one of the smaller schools near my native town of Peekskill,” said Senator Depew, “had drilled a number of his brightest scholars in the history of contemporary politics, and to test their faith and their knowledge he called upon three of them one day and demanded a declaration of personal political principles.
(more…)Don’t Use Big Words
Anonymous
In promulgating your esoteric cogitations, or articulating your superficial sentimentalities and amicable, philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity.
(more…)German Military Spies
Anonymous
The German system of military espionage can best be studied by an analysis of the working of the system in France from the year 1870 onwards. So far as the outside world is concerned, the military invasion of France by Germany began at the end of July 1870, but in reality the invasion began in the latter half of 1867, when Stieber, chief of the German secret police, began the placing of his fixed posts throughout the country. No less than 30,000 spies were placed in the departments of Northern and Eastern France, and the feats of this army made possible the work accomplished by Von Moltke.
(more…)Logic Is Logic
Anonymous
Jack and his friend Mickey were walking uptown one morning and Jack said, “Mickey, I bet you a dollar I can prove to you that you are on the other side of the street.”
“Done,” said Mickey, “I’m the man for your money.”
(more…)
Sharpening Their Wits
Anonymous
Two whetstones met on the street.
“Queer, isn’t it?”
“What’s queer?”
(more…)In Pursuit
Anonymous
After a short rest we were commanded to search the burning houses for wounded men. We did not find many of them, for most of the severely wounded soldiers who had not been able to seek safety unaided had been miserably burnt to death, and one could only judge by the buttons and weapons of the poor wretches for what “fatherland” they had suffered their terrible death by fire. With many it was even impossible to find out the nationality they belonged to; a little heap of ashes, a ruined house were all that was left of whole families, whole streets of families.
(more…)The Weather Fiend
Anonymous
One hot day last summer, a young man dressed in thin clothes, entered a Broadway car, and seating himself opposite a stout old gentleman, said, pleasantly:
“Pretty warm, isn’t it?”
“What’s pretty warm?”
(more…)A Lincoln Story
Anonymous
“One day,” said General Howard, “Mr. Lincoln saw Senator Fessenden coming toward his office room.
(more…)Wilhelm Stieber
Anonymous
Those who label Stieber as “von” in speaking of him are about on a level with any who would choose to confer on Crippen, of unlamented memory, the title of baronet, for the two pretensions are about equal, so far as right to them is concerned.
(more…)German Women
Anonymous
Of all the German females, the ladies of Saxony are the most amiable. Their persons are so superiorly charming and preferable in whatever can recommend them to be notice of mankind, that the German youth often visit Saxony in quest of companions for life.
(more…)The Horrors Of Street Fighting
Anonymous
We left Sugny the next morning, and an hour later we crossed the Belgo-French frontier. Here, too, we had to give three cheers. The frontier there runs through a wood, and on the other side of the wood we placed the 21-cm. mortars in position.
(more…)Shooting Civilians In Belgium
Anonymous
At 11 o’clock all further philosophizing was put a stop to; we were ordered to halt, and we were to receive our food from the field kitchen.
(more…)Spanish Women
Anonymous
As the Spanish ladies are under a greater seclusion from general society, than the sex is in other European countries, their desires of an adequate degree of liberty are consequently more strong and urgent. A free and open communication being denied them, they make it their business to secure themselves a secret and hidden one. Hence it is that Spain is the country of intrigue.
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Chinese Women
Anonymous
Of all the other Asiatics, the Chinese have, perhaps the best title to modesty.
(more…)The Wise Man
Anonymous
If you see a man who shows you what is to be avoided, who administers reproofs, and is intelligent, follow that wise man as you would one who tells of hidden treasures; it will be better, not worse, for him who follows him.
(more…)The Pyramids And The Sphinx
Anonymous
Hugh was so very anxious to see the pyramids, that every one agreed to visit them from Cairo, instead of from the boat on the voyage up the Nile, which was to be as far as the second cataract; but neither the children nor their mother were to go. The latter was not strong, and she thought it best to keep the children with her. Lucy would very much have liked to see the pyramids as well as Hugh, but the ride from Cairo was too long for her.
(more…)The Idea Of Female Inferiority
Anonymous
It is an opinion pretty well established, that in strength of mind, as well as of body, men are greatly superior to women.
(more…)Punishment
Anonymous
All men tremble at punishment, all men fear death; remember that you are like unto them, and do not kill, nor cause slaughter.
(more…)
Grecian Courtezans
Anonymous
The rank which the courtezans enjoyed, even in the brightest ages of Greece, and particularly at Athens, is one of the greatest singularities in the manners of any people.
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